Tag Archives: ADHD

“That Mom” Loves “That Kid”

Posted by The Lazy Susan in Family and tagged with , , , , , ,

My latest blog for Skirt.com.

Is your child “that kid”? The unsuspecting class clown in constant motion? The incessant talker/noise-maker with a built-in soundtrack? The weird kid? I remember them well. They never seemed to fit in socially yet were some of the most intelligent and creative people in class. They were awkward, strange, sometimes even talked funny and we all made fun of them for being different. Yet we were somewhat oddly attracted to their quirky behavior. Their differentness made us feel uncomfortably curious. But in the end, a bizarre fear seemed to overcome us and “that kid” was met with verbal lashings, kick-me signs and public mockings. We didn’t know the fear of the unusual was leading us down the path to unkindness. We only knew “that kid” was not like me. As a now mom of a “that kid”, I struggle to find acceptance for my son while not allowing him to feel different, weird or strange. He only knows that he’s special because he has ADHD.

I like to think of my son’s ADHD not as a special need but as a special gift. He thinks up the most incredible Lego creations and spends hours meticulously cultivating his projects. He is the boy who writes heart-warming, well thought out stories about a character born from love, Mr. Snail; a snail much like my son. He’s the interesting kid that everyone surrounds on the playground while he digs for rocks and buried treasure. The boy who thankfully has many friends because he is kind-hearted, funny and full of interesting facts. My son is the boy who helps out, who’s never made an enemy, who believes in good, who loves animals, loves his family and only wants to please. A sensitive, intuitive, creative little boy with a heart as big as anyone I know. And I’ve told him as much as his hyperactivity and lack of focus can be an issue, some of the most brilliant minds are wonderfully successful people. Do you ever wonder if “that kid” is the founder of Facebook, Google, Twitter, Microsoft or Apple…just think. Maybe it’s not so bad being “that kid”.

Don’t get me wrong, being a parent of an ADHD child is hard work. The constant reminding, re-reminding and well, re-reminding. Schedules. Frustrating conversations. Notes from the teacher. Struggling to keep them on task. And then there is the worrying you do at night about how you are going to help them achieve success living with ADHD. There are days you feel like a complete failure and throw your hands up in exhaustion and self-pity. The days you ask yourself, why my child? It’s not an easy life. And this morning slapped me right back into the reality of that life with “that kid”.

I look forward to Friday mornings. My husband and I have a weekly breakfast date at our favorite spot in West Midtown. We joke that our Friday morning breakfasts are even better than our Saturday night dates because, well, we’re actually awake! We both do our best work in the morning. However this morning was not like every other Friday. My husband had been sick all week and hadn’t run. So he was up at 5am to run 4 miles in the dark. Asking him to please wear his reflective vest, he snapped at me for nagging him. Naturally my feelings were hurt as my only intention was to keep him safe. He apologized but the tone was set. Not 10 minutes after he had left to run, my son was up (30 minutes early). I heard him in the kitchen rustling around in the pantry. I got up, asked him to go back to bed. Yet 5 minutes later, he was back in the kitchen. Again, I asked him to go back to bed. By the third time, I caught him standing on the counter, grabbing for his Valentine’s candy that we had strategically placed on top of the refrigerator. I knew this wasn’t going to be a good morning. Impulsivity at it’s unwanted finest. “Mom! I wasn’t getting candy, I was looking for the pencils!” Lies. I screamed for him to get down and told him that his favorite stuffed animal was gone for the day. This stuffed animal is the Linus’ blanket of stuffed animals. I know how to get his attention. “I hate you, Mom! I hate you! I’m going to kill you!” He hasn’t said those words to me in a long time. It’s progress. He continued his relentless verbal assault on my weary mind. It was too early for this. I had already been snapped at and now here it is only 6am and I’m arguing with my son. Ugh. Why Friday of all days?

The belligerence, disrespectfulness and downright stubbornness continued through breakfast and my shower until we left for school. I kept telling myself, Beth, he’s not done this in such a long time. Remember when it was almost daily? Remember how hard it was before you knew? Remember? I’ve worked hard to get him to a good place. I’ve found my son the most wonderful psychiatrist who has prescribed a balanced drug combination which retains his happy disposition and creativity. He has been through therapy, he attends a fantastic school, his teachers and I are in constant communication and the extended family follow the rules and routines we have set for him at home. My son is lucky. But even with a loving family, good school, therapy and medication, ADHD is still unpredictable. Outbursts like today happen for no apparent reason. The triggers vary and aren’t always apparent. You have to roll with it. These kids thrive on routine, structure and consistency. Discipline is key. Children with ADHD are usually highly intelligent, creative and manipulative. You give them an inch, they will take 10 miles or more and keep going long after you’ve lost the race. You have to have as much mental and physical energy as they do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to fall with him. I am “that mom” today, struggling with “that kid”.

My son has overcome many obstacles in his short life with the suicide of his biological father, the death of my father 6 months later and moving three times in two years. Not to mention my remarriage. That’s enough to put most adults on Prozac! But being diagnosed with ADHD was the best gift he, and frankly I, could have received. We both now understand what he is dealing with, why he acts the way he does and best of all, how to combat the negativity that comes with the diagnosis. I remind him daily of his “special powers”. His creatively, beautiful, out-of-the-box mind and intelligence are all part of his package. My now husband and I both believe that if you choose to see the positives in life you are healthier, stronger and less likely to be cynical and negative. Positive parenting, positive living, breeds positive, happy children. Or at least that’s our theory. We, along with his therapist, teachers and extended family are all teaching him how to cope with his ADHD in a positive way. My son is learning to take his gifts and use them to his advantage while still allowing himself those now occasional irrational moments. I am still learning to allow myself those same irrational moments right along with him. A process we are learning together.

Even though this morning started out rough, I know my son. I know that’s not him. He was struggling. Struggling between his impulses and his rational mind. Like the angel and the devil on each shoulder, whispering in his ear. Who do you listen to? It’s hard. It’s hard even for those of us living with the brain of Toyota rather than a Ferrari. I know this. I try not to feed into it, but I’m only human. We learn from each moment and move forward. My son may have ADHD, and to the outside world beyond our home and family, he may seem strange or a bit off, but not to me. He is beautiful, even when he hates me. I’m “that mom” to “that kid” today, tomorrow, always. No one can take that away from us.

Know When to Say When

Posted by The Lazy Susan in Family, Personal Growth, Running and tagged with , , , ,

Today started out just like any other day.  Woke up, put my eyes in, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my running clothes on.  While I did my morning routine, I could hear the arguing billowing up from below as Paul desperately tried to get both kids upstairs for breakfast.  This is also part of the routine now…the arguing about getting dressed, how long it’s taking to get dressed, whining about getting dressed, etc.  Then begins the battle to eat breakfast before we have to leave for school.  Not sitting still, laughing about everything, not listening.  As the medicine settles in, we start to see the kids slowly calm their reved engines down and begin to listen.  By this time, nerves are fried. I have found that keeping calm during the morning routine and finding ways to quiet their minds (in combination with the medicine) has aided them in having successful days at school (especially for my son).  But sometimes, well, you just lose it!

When your kids have ADD/ADHD, mornings and evenings can be very tough.  Routine is key. We have a set morning routine but you are dealing with raw brains.  No meds, no renforcements, no therapy.  Just 10 hours of sleep and a brain that has seemingly forgotten everything you taught it the day before.  It’s a constant battle that ALL parents of children with this disorder face daily. What’s worse, every day is different.  Sometimes the disorder is almost dormant and they act as if they don’t need any medicine or intervention and then some days, like today, you wonder if ANYTHING you are doing is actually working.  The inconsistency of both ADD and ADHD is maddening at times.  Two steps forward, giant feet backwards.  There are days you want to throw your hands up and just quit. But then I look into their faces and realize, they are just as frustrated by their disorder as I am.  Imagine being trapped in a brain that is going at Ferrari speed but WANTS to go at the speed of a Ford Tempo. Hearing your child tell you, “Mommy, sometimes my brain hurts” is heartbreaking.  But still you have days like today where you forget that they too are coping with this disorder and frankly are looking to you to help them because they are children.  Today I completely lost it with my daughter.  The buttons were all pushed (have been for 3 weeks now).  She crossed the line, and I’m not even sure I drew that line.

After 30 minutes of arguing, talking back, sassing I finally lost my mind and yelled at her. Not yelling like “clean your room, young lady”.  No.  This was primal.  Very primal.  As if in self-defense.  Fight or flight.  I could feel it coming.  I could feel myself beginning to shake.  The pressure cooker that was building steam these last few weeks was finally going to explode.  As it exploded my daughter’s face turned from sassy to complete and utter fear.  She knew she had touched a nerve, pushed the wrong button.  She knew this was the time to be quiet and listen. And all the while I vomited words.  Telling her how ungrateful she was.  How completely disrespectful she was becoming.  That being 10 years old she is entering a new phase in her life where this behavior would no longer be excused but despised and not tolerated.  I knew I was hurting her.  I knew I was making her cry.  I hated myself for doing it.  I don’t want to hurt my children. But sometimes you forget you’re a parent and your primal self is unleashed. We all have the ability to become enraged.  It’s not something we like to admit about ourselves.  Thankfully this part of me doesn’t come out often but when it does, it is not only a wake up call for whoever is the unlucky recipient but for me as well.  Today I raged at my daughter and scared her into submission.  Some parents would say good, she knows who’s boss.  However, this is NOT how I want to parent.  I agree, a little fear of God is good for children.  Children need to fear disappointing their parents, fear hurting them.  My parents taught me who was boss through love, kindness, respect and a little fear.  I still to this day fear disappointing my parents because I love them so much.

After all of us had calmed down, I finally explained to her why she had made me so upset. She quietly listened through tears.  Like me, crying is not something she likes to share. I told her that I didn’t hate her, that I loved her very much and just wanted to help her be a happy, successful person.  If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t have cared enough to get upset (as sick as that sounds) or explain to her now why I was so bothered by her behavior.  If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t TRY to understand that she is dealing with a disorder that sometimes clouds her judgement. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t have apologized for my behavior.  Yes, parents, when you lose it like that, you NEED to apologize.  I hope by my apologizing for the way I handled myself this morning, she will see that I do respect and love her.  I too make mistakes and am still learning, and just like that, turned this into a teaching moment for both myself and the children.

As we arrived at school, I could see that she was still upset.  We hugged it out, said our “I love yous” and I received a SINCERE apology.  Again, I reinforced to my daughter that I didn’t hate her but loved her very much and just wanted her to be happy.  ”I know mom.  I know you are doing the best you can and sometimes I don’t make it easy on you.  I’m sorry.” was the response I got as she left the car.  It broke my heart but also left me with some hope that my daughter IS listening to the lessons we are teaching her as parents (as frustrating and pointless as they may seem at times).

Girls on the Run 5K

I was supposed to park the car and go for a run this morning.  But this wasn’t a “just run it out” kind of feeling.  This was a “I’m totally exhausted and want to go back to bed” feeling.  I have learned when to say when.  Today was it.  I needed to give in, say “Uncle”.  Running this morning would have done nothing but make me more exhausted.  I knew what had to be done.  I knew I just needed to take time for myself and write; something I have been neglecting due to crazy schedules and a multitude of activities.  Writing isn’t just my “job”, it’s my release.  I run and write for the same reasons, release, sanity, health, and yes, so I can eat! But today I realized something, I can’t do one without the other.   I can’t be all running and no writing or vice versa.  These two outlets balance me.  Even as I write this blog post, I am reflecting over this morning’s events and how I can do better next time along with how I can help my daughter work through whatever seems to be bothering her. I know some of this is the ADD but frankly, I think she is growing up and all of those confusing feelings that come with it are really challenging her.  My job is to help her figure that out.  Parenting is by far my most rewarding yet difficult job but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, not even for a quiet morning.  And so the journey begins to strike a cordial balance between running and writing and knowing when to say when.